AFTER THOSE GRUELLING 150+ hours of labour, you know what finally got to me? My bedside lamp. 

As I lay in bed, sweating from my fever, the nurse came in, turned on the bedside lamp, and informed me she was going to give me a dose of antibiotics through my IV line. It was the least painful of procedures and pinched a little bit but nothing I couldn't handle. Then, she left.

But wait, my bedside lamp was still on. At 3:30am, it mattered as that's about more or less 2 and a half hours of darkness, stillness and time for my much needed sleep. Should I press the nurse call button and ask her to come back? I know for most people that would've been an easy "yes". But me, in all my pain and swirly hormones, I stared at this harsh, florescent tormentor and saw my defeat. It was just 2 feet out of my reach. The buzzing seemed to mock me, that's when I started to cry. 

I thought about all the terrible pain and suffering I have been through this whole week. I thought about Darren and how much I miss him. And I thought about the baby I just delivered 2 days ago, my little Lily Sofia, all alone, four floors above me in the neonatal ward while I'm here surrounded by other mother's and their babies here at the maternity ward. I felt so alone. I laid there on my bed, sobbing at my helplessness with this buzzing bedside lamp mocking me. 

I laid there, bathing in the light of this electric torture device, crying my eyes out, thoroughly defeated. And then, a thought, I could cry and despair or I could try to overcome this. With this sudden burst of self-preservation and being fed up of suffering, I pulled myself slowly up from the bed, horrible waves of pain from my stitches took my breath away, but I soldiered on, clutching the bed's monkey bar with one hand and the mattress other, I pulled myself. 

As my barefeet touched the cold floor, I was feeling more and more triumphant and as I moaned myself off the bed, clutching my wound, I reached out to the bedside lamp and thought to myself, I won't be defeated by you, not today nor any day. I switched it off. I cheered and slowly made my way back unto the bed. The relief, the sense of accomplishment, that satisfying feeling you get when you achieve your goal all came rolling over me. I can conquer anything. 

I AM INVINCIBLE.

That is the story of how I turned off my bedside lamp.