My Notebook

  28th Sep 21


By Marifi N.

Nakita ko rin sa wakas ang plastic container kung saan nakatago ang mga luma kong notebook. Buong pananabik kong tinignan bawat pahina nong isang paborito kong notebook – kahit naninilaw na ang mga pahina nito at halos burado na ang tinta sa ilang bahagi ng mga sinulat kong mga tula at kwento, alam ko kung nasaang bahagi nito ang hinahanap ng aking mga mata at ng aking puso. Kahit medyo kupas na ang hugis puso na nakaguhit sa pagitan ng letrang J at M, dama ko pa rin ang buong kahulugan nito.

Matagal na panahon na nga ang lumipas pero gustong-gusto kong bumalik sa nakaraan. Gusto kong balikan yong kahapon hindi lang dahil gusto kong sariwain ang isa sa napakasayang panahon ng aking buhay kundi gusto ko rin sanang baguhin ang mga naging desisyon ko sa buhay. Pero sa kabilang banda naiisip ko rin, kailangan ko nga bang baguhin ang mga ginawa kong desisyon, kung sakali mang bigyan ako ng pagkakataon? Hindi ba, mas dapat kong tanggapin at pasalamatan ang lahat ng kamaliang nagawa ko sa nakaraan dahil bahagi yon ng pagiging ako ko ngayon? At ang mga kamaliang iyon ang humubog at nagpatatag sa akin?

Ahh… ilang gabi na rin na di ako makatulog. Habang tumatagal pakiramdam ko buhay na buhay pa sa puso ko ang pagmamahal ko sa kanya. Ilang taon ko rin iniwasan na mahanap sya dahil hindi ako segurado sa sarili ko na nakalimutan ko na sya. At ngayon nga, lahat ng ala-ala niya ay nabuhay dahil sa notebook na kay tagal ko ring pinanabikang makita at mahawakan muli.

Kamakailan lang, sa tagal ng panahon ng paghahanap ko sa kanya, natagpuan ko sya kung kelang tinanggap ko na di ko na s’ya makikita pa. Ngayong nagkakausap na kami uli, parang gusto kong pagsisihan o sisihin ang bata kong sarili sa mga kamalian na ginawa ko sa buhay. Pero seguro, things really happen for a reason, dahil isang araw nga biglang lumabas sa suggested friends ang pangalan nya na inihain ni Facebook. Hindi ako segurado kung iki-click ko ba ang request button kay nilagpasan ko sya. Maliban doon, bihira ako mag FR. Pero nong balikan ko ang list, naglakas loob na ako na mag FR sa kanya.

Di ko maalala kung ilang minuto o oras bago ko nakita na tinanggap nya yong request ko at yon na nga “friends” na kami. At that time, di ko alam kung dapat ba akong magpadala ng message sa kanya o antayin ko syang batiin ako. Pakiramdam ko kasi, ang laki ng kasalanan ko sa kanya. Matagal ko nang gustong humingi ng sorry sa kanya kasi alam ko, nasaktan ko sya ng sobra-sobra….


DOES THIS SOUND familiar to you? Have you felt a love so real, that you’ve lost along the way growing up? Many of us have experienced losing someone whom we’ve loved so dearly; a hurt so deep that even the thought of waking up without them scares us. It’s incredibly agonising to go through each day feeling incomplete, as you know that you have to face that portion of your journey all by yourself.

Every day, we experience some sort of loss. The magnitude of these losses varies, as does our ability to deal with them. But the good news is, these encounters dealing with “the little things” help us to better prepare, to better understand our own coping mechanism when faced with those unexpected and sometimes tragic moments in life. Yes, it does feel strange moving on to a diff erent plane, from somewhere that you’ve been so familiar and comfortable with.

Coping is such a bizarre concept.

It is so strange that we can never really get over it. We live with it, we adapt, no matter how difficult it is for us to survive the pain.

Yes, with it we move on, do things; we get up each day and continue on, learning to live with it as best as we can. This is our only chance of winning – refusing to give up, however hard it is, until we ultimately learn how to manage. The beauty of coping is that it makes you different, makes you strong and whole again. These are things I have learned from experiencing the loss of someone I love (yes, they are still my present form of love, as they will always be here in my heart) and understanding how I respond to it. So how do I go on coping with helplessness after losing a loved one?


1. Find a confidante

True friends are hard to find, but it is to your advantage to lessen that burden and get those woes off your chest. There’s nothing more special than having a trustworthy friend, someone you can talk to about how you feel; you know that you are never judged and feel safe telling them about your most personal and private struggles and pain.


2. Recreate happy moments

Go for a walk or simply think of all the little things and creatures that make you smile. Escape from the busy grind of life and connect with people in the community, or camp by the river and read a book about that new skill or hobby you’ve always wanted to learn.


3. Engage in a new hobby

Put your new-found knowledge to good use by trying your hand at that hobby. Don’t get discouraged if you fail in perfecting it; remember, success and mastery comes to those who persevere.


4. Expect the unexpected

Life is a challenge that you need to see positively; it is these challenges that make our lives colourful. Sure, there are days when our entire being seems to be gasping and aching for air, refusing to breathe; days when even our brain wants to simply take a rest from pondering everything. The important thing to remember is that these challenges are but spices in our lives, experiences that give us perspective; they help us to focus on becoming a more balanced and pleasant person.


5. Discover your inner peace

Unclutter your life, unclutter your mind. Losing your loved one can tremendously disturb your serenity, but remember, NOW is now. What happened in the past is behind you. Accept that feeling of grief and recognise the sadness, rather than trying to fight it. Of course, we are all allowed to mourn, but don’t let your grief overwhelm you; keep in mind there are many people that care about you and are there to support you, so it’s essential you continue to love and care for yourself too.


Losing someone very special to you is incredibly tough. At some points, it feels like the hurt will never subside; it’s hard to imagine how you’ll ever overcome the enduring pain of loss. As hollow as you may feel about your existence, or as irreparably broken as you may think you are, take solace in the fact that you will get through this; such is the strength and resilience of humankind. With the support of those around you, the time will come when you look back and realise that even the smallest steps you took towards this point, are the moments to be thankful for.


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