Nakita ko rin sa wakas ang plastic container kung saan nakatago ang mga luma kong notebook. Buong pananabik kong tinignan bawat pahina nong isang paborito kong notebook –kahit naninilaw na ang mga pahina nito at halos burado na ang tinta sa ilang bahagi ng mga sinulat kong mga tula at kwento, alam ko kung nasaang bahagi nito ang hinahanap ng aking mga mata at ng aking puso. Kahit medyo kupas na ang hugis puso na nakaguhit sa pagitan ng letrang J at M, dama ko pa rin ang buong kahulugan nito.
Matagal na panahon na nga ang lumipas pero gustong-gusto kong bumalik sa nakaraan. Gusto kong balikan yong kahapon hindi lang dahil gusto kong sariwain ang isa sa napakasayang panahon ng aking buhay kundi gusto ko rin sanang baguhin ang mga naging desisyon ko sa buhay. Pero sa kabilang banda naiisip ko rin, kailangan ko nga bang baguhin ang mga ginawa kong desisyon, kung sakali mang bigyan ako ng pagkakataon? Hindi ba, mas dapat kong tanggapin at pasalamatan ang lahat ng kamaliang nagawa ko sa nakaraan dahil bahagi yon ng pagiging ako ko ngayon? At ang mga kamaliang iyon ang humubog at nagpatatag sa akin?
Ahh… ilang gabi na rin na di ako makapagkatulog. Habang tumatagal pakiramdam ko buhay na buhay pa sa puso ko ang pagmamahal ko sa kanya. Ilang taon ko rin iniwasan na mahanap sya dahil hindi ako segurado sa sarili ko na nakalimutan ko na sya. At ngayon nga, lahat ng ala-ala niya ay nabuhay dahil sa notebook na kay tagal ko ring pinanabikang makita at mahawakan muli.
Kamakailan lang, sa tagal ng panahon ng paghahanap ko sa kanya, natagpuan ko sya kung kelang tinanggap ko na na di ko na s’ya makikita pa. Ngayong nagkakausap na kami uli, parang gusto kong pagsisihan o sisihin ang bata kong sarili sa mga kamalian na ginawa ko sa buhay. Pero seguro, things really happen for a reason, dahil isang araw nga biglang lumabas sa suggested friends ang pangalan nya na inihain ni Facebook. Hindi ako segurado kung iki-click ko ba ang request button kay nilagpasan ko sya. Maliban doon, bihira ako mag FR. Pero nong balikan ko ang list, naglakas loob na ako na mag FR sa kanya.
Di ko maalala kung ilang minuto o oras bago ko nakita na tinanggap nya yong request ko at yon na nga “friends” na kami. At that time, di ko alam kung dapat ba akong magpadala ng message sa kanya o antayin ko syang batiin ako. Pakiramdam ko kasi, ang laki ng kasalanan ko sa kanya. Matagal ko nang gustong humingi ng sorry sa kanya kasi alam ko, nasaktan ko sya ng sobra-sobra….
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Does this sound familiar to you? Have you got a love so real that you’ve lost along the way of growing up? Many of us have experienced losing someone whom we’ve loved so dearly, and which truly hurt us that even the thought of waking up without them scares us. It is incredibly agonizing to go through each day feeling incomplete as you know that you have to face that portion of your journey all by yourself.
Every day, we experience some sort of loss. The magnitude may not be the same as with the other losses we have experienced or how easy or difficult it is for us to accept that fact. But the good thing is that we all have this chance of coping with these “little” things that we never are prepared for. Yes, it does feel strange moving on to a different plane from somewhere that you’ve been so familiar and comfortable with.
Coping is such a bizarre concept.
It is so strange that we can never really get over it. We live with it, we adapt it, no matter how difficult for us to survive the pain. Yes, with it we move on, do things; we get up and continue on every day because we don’t have a choice but to live with it as best as we can. This is our only chance of winning – refusing to give up and never stopping however hard it is and so we get used to it.
The beauty of coping is that it makes you different, makes you strong and whole again. These are things I learned from losing people I love (yes, they are still my present form of love because they will always be here in my heart) and how I respond to it.
So how do I go on coping with helplessness from losing someone I love?
- Find a confidante
True friends are hard to find but it is to your advantage to lessen that burden and get that woes off your chest. There’s nothing more special than having a trustworthy friend, someone you can talk to about how you feel, you know that you are never judged and you are safe telling them about your most personal and private struggles and pains.
- Recreate happy moments
Go for a walk or simply think of all little things and creatures that make you smile. Escape from the busy grind of the life and connect with people in the community or camp by the river and read a book about a new hobby that you have wanted to learn.
- Engage in a new hobby
Get your hand into that hobby that you’ve just learned about. Do not get discouraged if you fail in perfecting it. Remember, success will only come to those who persevere and that includes mastering your new-found past time.
- Expect the unexpected
Life is a challenge that you need to see positively. It’s these challenges that make our life colorful. Yes, there are days that our being seems to be gasping and aching for air, refusing to breathe or even our brain wanted to simply stop pondering about everything.
The important thing is that we remember that these challenges are but spices in our life we will be focused on that pleasant person that we will become.
- Discover your inner peace
Unclutter your life, unclutter your mind. Losing your love one can tremendously disturb that serenity in yourself but NOW is now. What happened in the past is behind you. Accept that feeling of grief and recognize the sadness instead of fighting it. We are all allowed to mourn but keep in mind that you still have you to be loved by you and those who are around you.
Losing someone very special to you is incredibly hard. At some point you cannot even imagine that the hurt will stop or if you will ever survive the hurting. As hollow that you may feel of your existence or as irreparably broken you may think you are this feeling of hurt, will not kill you – which is the cruelest of all. While you may want or even wish that you stopped breathing at that very moment, time will come that you look back at those and you can smile of the thought. It is then you will realized that even the smallest of step you took towards the point of where you are now are moments that you have to be thankful of.
Ultimately, you will get through all the pain, just do one thing at a time. -Marifi N.
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