How To Deal Positively with Negative People    

by Ron R. Lacson

Have you ever dealt with negative people? Have you experienced conversing with cynical folks? 

If you have, you know that often, if not always, it was quite an energy-draining experience.

Most of us enjoy exchanging talks with people, especially when life and work experiences are being shared. It is one way of learning from one another. It’s one of the pleasures of life.

Nonetheless, there were times that instead of being enriched with wisdom, we would be impaired and weakened like an old cat drained of its energy after running away from a dog. And that was often true if the other party we engaged in a conversation was a negative person.

I used to know a person who was so negative. He was a friend (or used to be a friend 😊) so I needed to deal with him regularly. Whenever we talk, all he did was complain and rave negatively about things (he almost led me to believe that it was his hobby).

He would start with how bad his meal was, the extra length of time he spent on the road, his supposedly ungrateful boss, his fight with his colleagues, etc. He would then move his rants about his boring home, his extravagant family, and even the annoying sound of the running water whenever he opened his faucet as if it was also an integral part of his life.

He was also suspicious of people and he did not trust anyone. He was completely pessimistic about life in general. Talking to him was so distasteful and unpleasant that I thought I was being punished.

Spending 15 minutes with him, was almost like 15 years in hard labor prison (ok, I exaggerated a bit). I would then be in no mood to do anything because my energy had been sucked out (low-battery). And any creativity left in me would be malfunctioning.

The worst part was that I was beginning to sound like him. I was inadvertently being influenced by his skeptical attitude. I observed that during some of my conversations with my friends and family. I developed the habit of releasing a sigh, and then calmly complain about what was happening at work.

Not a good sign. So, if my goal in life is to stay positive, I had to do something. I listed down the things that I could do to address the situation. Things that you and I could apply to not be affected by negative people.

I know I am not alone in this predicament, so I hope that some of the suggestions I’ve written here could be used to help most of us. So, these are for you and me. Here are 5 suggestions:

Suggestion no. 1.

Watch your watch. Limit the time you spend with Negative People.

The best thing, of course, is to never spend time with them, if that is at all possible. But in life, you are bound to meet them, or maybe work with them, because they are not few and they are everywhere.

If you would feel some extreme unpleasantness after just a few minutes of talking with them, then you can conclude that they are members of NAG or Negativity Acquired Group (ok, I made that up). Negative people can make you feel inadequate and shoddy.

So, limit your time with them. If a negative person invited you to hang out with him, learn to say no. If that is not possible (for example, you have to do a job with him), then set a specific amount of time you need to spend with him.

Make an agenda or a list of things you need to discuss. Never extend the time unnecessarily, no matter how much tempted you are in wanting to have a long talk.

Suggestion no. 2.

Don’t be a sponge. Avoid patronizing them.

Negative people are emotional. They need approbation. They tend to drift and incline towards people who have ears for them. When you often absorb their negative spouts, and if you always offer sympathy, nod and agree with their antipathetic huffs, then you are a ‘negative-people-magnet’ person.

If you often hear yourself saying phrases like “Yeah, it’s true” or “I agree with you” or “That’s correct” or “You are right in doing that”, etc. even if you don’t mean them, then they’ll cling to you like leeches.

You will be the first person they’ll look for when they have something to gripe about. They’ll text you, Skype you, WhatsApp you, Viber you, Email you, Tweet you, Instagram you, FB message you, WeChat you, or call you whenever they have the chance. They’ll buy you lunch or treat you to JOLLIBEE if they have to. And you’ll never get away from them because they know they can depend on you for emotional response.

So, what’s the best thing to do when they rant or bluster? Don’t respond at all. Silence is the best response. Yes, I know it’s difficult because we all want to be nice to people, but believe me, being genuinely quiet while hearing a litany of grouches will be the nicest gesture you can do…, for yourself.

Try and do it next time. Practice makes perfect. But if you really can’t help it and you need to give a verbal response then you can say, “I'M SPIDERMAN” (I’m serious…, ok, I’m not ). Just make sure they can’t hear you (so just whisper), and soon you’ll discover that they will spend less and less time with you.

Suggestion no. 3.

Find a way to help. Sometimes you can make a change.

If you are close to the negative people you are dealing with, and/or because circumstances dictate that you need to spend time with them, then do your best to steer positive attitudes in their lives.

Make it a point to study what is the elemental or basic thing that burdens them in life. Most of the time, it’s complicated and there’s nothing you can truly do about it. So the challenge is just to demonstrate your sincerity to help…, by not being involved directly.

For example, if he complains about his work, you can suggest that he can get a coach to help him so he can set more meaningful goals in his job. You can also ask him to make his own decision whether he still wants to stay with his job or if he wants to explore other avenues. If he complains about life in general, tell him that there are hundreds of self-help books available in bookstores and all he needs to do is buy at least one (and of course read it).

Help him by asking him to help himself. And although you won’t have to be involved personally, make sure that the help you offer is heartfelt.

Suggestion no. 4.

The world revolves around them. Remember that. Understand that.

Again, keep in mind that negative people are judgmental of almost everything and everyone, including you. So, don’t take it personally. They are also critical of themselves.

If they are going to judge or complain about your shirt or the hair in your nose (and sometimes even your eyebrows), they are also going to judge or complain about the fluorescent lamps, the doorknob of the toilet, the color of the carpet, the socks of the vendor on the bridge, and probably the climate in Dubai (even though they don’t live there).

Usually, if you throw a positive note like “I like the way you smile today,” you’ll get a response resembling to “Do you mean that I had a horrendous smile yesterday and the days before?”

Yup, there will always be an air of negativity.

However, they usually meant no harm because they were engulfed with their negativity and cynicism. If they become critical of you - “that job isn’t right for you”, or “your handwriting is so ugly nobody can read it” -, just treat their words with objectivity.

Maybe, you’ll learn something. And usually, it’s really and certifiably not personal.

Suggestion no. 5.

Remove them from your social life. Network with Positive People.

This is the last recourse, and maybe the best one. If every time you speak with them, you would end up with your face buried in your shoes (and it smells bad J), and that’s because you would feel awful about yourself and your day, it’s time to move on with your social life without them.

There’s always a saturation point, and once you reached it, you need to re-study your strategy.

You need to HANG OUT MORE WITH POSITIVE PEOPLE. You need to feel excited and upbeat about life. After all, it is your life that you must nourish and improve. Open the windows of opportunity in getting positive, inspiring and uplifting words and thoughts.

Enlacing and surrounding yourself with the right and positive people while engaging them in your social activities PLUS making certain that they do not only speak and listen to you but also believe in your goals is an effective formula for having a consistently positive outlook in life. There are quite many positive people in Hong Kong (where I live) and on the planet; find them, embrace them, and surround yourself with them.

May we all achieve our goals in life.